The Power of Three Little Words

The past month I have been thinking. Not the kind of thinking you do when working out a daily to do list, or the brainstorming thinking you engage in while working out the plot of a novel. I’m not even talking about about the thinking required to organize and plan a grant proposal. I am talking about THINKING – deep metaphysical, who am I, what makes me happy and brings me peace blah blah blah thinking.

img_6569Yep, over a month of turning inside, to sort the attic-like clutter in my brain and there is a lot of it up there! When I close my eyes I create a scene of a forgotten space filled with forgotten items. Somewhere in the rickety stacks of mismatched furniture and dusty relics of the fuzzy memories of my life are so many beautiful things. I catch a glimpse of them here and there when the dust filtered rays of sunlight pass by. Where there is beauty there is also discomfort and I struggle to organize the chaos. I want to touch and caress and hold tight what is harnessed inside that jumble and the effort exhausts me.

I suddenly had an epiphany (if after a month you could define it as suddenly):

Let it go.

Stop trying to untangle it all. Stop trying to work it out on the inside. Let it go and it will all come tumbling forward and fall into place. Just let it go.

Let. It. Go.

by theartscript

But there is so much more….

img_0455So my purpose has come to a bone splintering halt. Sounds a little whiney.

It does appear whiney – now that it is written down which is funny. My inner dialogue for MONTHS has been:

“OMG OMG OMG, WTF WTF WTF, OMG OMG. WTF? What the HOLY LIVING F?” That never came across to my consiousness as being whiney. Excruciatingly painful yes, whiney…no. Hell no. Why?

Ughh. Emotions, those feelings in your head which always seem to manifest into physical feelings as well. Not pleasant ones either. The crappyness of your emotional state grabbing the hand of your physical guts as they merrily skip down the yellow brick road of your soul is a little tough to nail down. Trying to apply WORDS to describe the whole picture doesnt quite accurately portray them in the glorious museum quality of …actualness. 

I digress, there is so much more to say here then just, well that.

I am doing the research. I am doing the work. That is to say, I am getting ready to start my roll in it’s former forward motion.

So what is the more? Things I need to remind myself of or teach myself:

The work I can’t NOT do

…. and the uneasy feeling I have inside me…. It is screaming at me but I can’t make out what it is trying to tell me. I am terrified to make decisions right now because I can’t decode the message.- I know that if I fail in anything,  I WILL get right back up and begin again. So really, what is it if it is not fear?

Hm, I may be here awhile.

 

 

 

 

by theartscript

My ART and SOUL is M.I.A.

Here I am.

I am lost. Not just lost but L….O…..S…..T. Not in my marriage, not in my personal relationships and not with my family. Not in my mind, however a little in my soul but mostly – in my purpose.

I have a passionimg_1291, I have a desire, I know my truth, oh how I know my truth; but I have come to a point in my life where circumstances have brought my purpose to a head-splitting, bone crunching, screaming halt. The screaming halt is the result of smashing through a brick wall, with a few bounces and a trip down into a ravine before my halt ended dangling from a tree limb a 100 feet in the air…and I can hear the branch starting to split and crack.

Okay, so L…O….S….T along with unbearable terror and pain. Where – oh where the HELL – is that epic movie scene where a helicopter appears out of nowhere with a hero dangling from a wire with his arm outstretched and yelling, “it’s okay, I am here to save you, I won’t let you fall. Just reach out and take my hand.”

I am reaching out! Liar.

Yeah, no epic movie scene just me. Here I am.

Here I am, dangling, trying not to look down.

 

 

 

by theartscript